Pastor John Van Sloten

Last Sunday I preached about pride…   and I needed it.   For the past month or so I’ve been worried about potential success.  What if the book does really well?  What if all that attention actually comes?   Am I mature enough to handle it?   I’m not sure I am.  Pride has always been my besetting sin; the self filled with self.  For most of my life I’ve already thought that I’m right most of the time.  Will success make that illusion even worse?   “Coram Deo”   I need to remember this Latin phrase, “Before the face of God”   If I really strive to live my life before the face of God, then I’ll be ok.   Because before Him I know nothing…  before him I recieve all of the attention I need, from the only source that matters, in a way that just right for me…  before him I am humbled, and filled with gratitude for everything that is good and right in life… before Him I realize it’s all his.  It’s kind of ironic as I think about it…  to protect myself from getting to proud about a vision that “see’s God’s presence in all things”, I need to be aware of God’s presence in all things.

Two weeks ago my back went out in a very debilitating and humbling way. While crawling to the washroom one day I agonizingly thought, this is a very real experience, I should write about it.

This is what I wrote…

I preached a sermon on the deadly sin of Pride the day before my fall.

“It’s the self filled with self,” I said, “and when your life is filled with yourself there’s often no room for others. Pride’s self-fullness destroys community and it lurks deep within each of our souls; veiled in a blind spot.

Most of us deny its power; the overly fierce independence it evokes, how it leads us to try and control everything, and how it inhibits our capacity to let others in. Often we see pride as someone else’s problem. But to those with proud hearts and minds, the great writer C.S. Lewis warns, ‘If you think you are not conceited then you are very conceited indeed.’(Mere Christianity)”

I had no idea.

Lying on my living room floor I cried out at the top of my lungs. My wife and children had just left the house. I’d asked them to leave so that they wouldn’t have to watch me suffer.

All I did was turn my body a few degrees in an attempt to get up off my mattress. The pain was so excruciating; a muscle ripping, shock-like jolt from my spine to my hip bone. Never have I felt that kind of agonizing jab before. “This,” I thought, “is why human beings have the capacity to scream.” I fell back onto the mattress – the one that I had slept on the previous night, on the main floor, because I couldn’t make it up the stairs to the bedroom – and trembled.

I had to try again because I needed to get to the washroom, and lying there was just too pathetic; too helpless. So I came up with another plan. Slide over to the edge of the mattress, position both arms on the coffee table, lift with all your might, let your torso turn beneath you and then flip yourself onto your knees.

It worked. And I was on all fours.

But then I had to crawl to the main floor bathroom. The task seemed daunting; it was over three metres away.

Every time I moved a hand or leg, my back would piercingly twinge. By then most of my muscles were in spasm, and my quadriceps were shaking uncontrollably. It took me close to five minutes to traverse my foyer. “How feeble is this?” I thought. And then, once I’d cleared the bathroom threshold the real challenge presented itself. I just knelt there, looking up at this small vanity, wondering if and how I was ever going to get myself up there, so that I could get over there.

At this point I started to lose what little composure I had left. The thought of inducing another spasm paralyzed me. But I had no choice; either stand up and get there or else! So I reached up with one hand and clasped the vanity door handle, and then quickly, while shifting my weight, grabbed the faux marble counter top with my other arm. Pulling with all my remaining energy I was soon standing, and then finally… sitting.

How could something so simple be so difficult? Every step seemed like a struggle.

And then, a few moments later, I made a fateful error.

I stood up without having pulled my underwear past my knees.

Looking down I realized I was stuck. There was no way I could start over and sit down and stand up again. So for the next five minutes I awkwardly tried to resolve my problem – half standing, leaning on the countertop, trying to reach down while shaking uncontrollably – but I couldn’t do it.

I tried with all my might and I could not do it.

So there I was; a supposedly self-sufficient adult male and I couldn’t even dress myself. I was at a total loss. I did not know what to do.

Just then I heard my wife come back into the house wanting to check on me. Through the bathroom door she asked, “Are you OK?”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want her to walk in on me in that abysmal situation. But I had no choice. I was at the end of myself.

Finally through tears I reluctantly responded, “I need help… I can’t do it.” So she stepped in, and moving through my embarrassment, gently helped me. There I was, this half-naked quivering mess, and she graciously saved me.

And in that very child-like moment I felt a strange beauty. I wasn’t being judged or laughed at for my weakness. For just a few seconds I was completely vulnerable; totally in the hands and mind of another. And for those few seconds that helplessness was okay.

It was a very profound and moving experience as I now recall it.

With my pride fully exposed, at my weakest moment, I received the humble gift of dependence.

The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
back breaking pride
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, March 11 2009 @ 04:02 PM PDT
Beautiful.

Perhaps the reason we have pride is that in our weakest moments we HAVE been
laughed at instead of cared for. We need to re-learn to be vulnerable again. To
learn to trust in love instead of fear the pain of rejection. This was a good
modern day parable, thanks for sharing!

K

back breaking pride
Authored by: Anonymous on Saturday, March 14 2009 @ 08:49 PM PDT
Ahhhh Laddie…that’s why real men wear kilts! No worries about your drawers
around your knees! We did have a laugh at your expense reading your detailed
account….. although you were not!

Wishing you well on your publishing journey!

You are always in our thoughts….we are on our way back from Mexico!

The Crook’s

I desperately need to be humbled. Yesterday I read that bible story about the time King David got haughty about his success (by taking a census of his troop strength just to see how strong he was). This faithless act was hugely offensive to God. By counting David seemed to be taking credit. In measuring he was gloating, or perhaps putting his trust in mere military strength. Either way, he took his eye of the ball, and all the king’s people ended up paying the price…

Reading the story reminded me of all of my fears and propensities in this regard. I know that I’ve matured in some areas but others still haunt me. I check our web page sermon download stats way too often. I imagine my book (“my”) enjoying great sales success. I read the news with past sermons in mind; hoping that what I’d preached ends up coming true (re: Obama and the Credit Crisis). Sometimes I’ll quote myself; which is so pathetic if you think about it. There’s a big difference between re-stating something and quoting yourself having written something before. I’m still offended that a local newspaper won’t publish my editorial submissions like they used to. And the one they recently did express interest in (and haven’t published yet) drive me nuts. When I get the paper, the first thing I do is turn to the back page. When I send a note to a Globe and Mail reporter about another news matter and she responds to me, I’m elated. I often catch myself being more willing to answer my cell when the media calls.

I count all the time.

And a few minutes ago it really hit me; just how wrong this is. I was in tears thinking that my behaviour might somehow be limiting God’s work in our faith community. I know that God works his will in spite of me all the time, but in this matter I really feel like I’m the problem. I have this deep sense that I need to get past this, but how?

I want nothing more than for God’s message through this church to get out there into the world. I want it to get out there in compelling, creative and unimaginable ways. And I don’t want my ego to stand in the way. But I don’t know how to change myself. I can’t. And yet, the feeling of remorse I feel, the sense of the gravity of this matter is weighing heavily on me.

My prayer is that this feeling is the first step to moving on; getting over myself.

I hope so.

This morning I was struck by the horribly deceptive and debilitating irony of self absorption. As people become more and more self interested, oriented, and centred, they become less. In the futile attempt to fully find themselves, be themselves, meet their own needs, to matter; they actually end up losing themselves. The more one thinks about oneself, and acts in selfish ways, the less value and impact that person’s life has in their world…

Isn’t this so tragically ironic? And isn’t this a parable of our human condition; especially as it plays out in our narcissistic , consumeristic, ‘self-help’istic western culture? Acting in ways to ‘benefit’ self even as we diminish ourselves? And then, as we increasingly diminish, desperately engaging the spiral with even more myopic energy? It’s insane. And then, adding irony to irony, becoming increasingly less human, less valuable, less worth the respect of others as a result.

It’s happening everywhere… in peoples’ marriages, friendships, communities, and spiritual lives.

Think about the people who’ve had the greatest impact in this world; in your life. They flourished because they helped others flourish; helped you. It wasn’t about them. They engaged in the most counter intuitive kinds of lives – not seeking self – and then found themselves.

Surely Jesus had it right when he said, “If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.”
The gospel of Luke 17:33, New Living Translation

“Let your life go [into me]…” was his inference of course!