finding humility
by JVS on Oct.28, 2008, under 2008
I desperately need to be humbled. Yesterday I read that bible story about the time King David got haughty about his success (by taking a census of his troop strength just to see how strong he was). This faithless act was hugely offensive to God. By counting David seemed to be taking credit. In measuring he was gloating, or perhaps putting his trust in mere military strength. Either way, he took his eye of the ball, and all the king’s people ended up paying the price…
Reading the story reminded me of all of my fears and propensities in this regard. I know that I’ve matured in some areas but others still haunt me. I check our web page sermon download stats way too often. I imagine my book (“my”) enjoying great sales success. I read the news with past sermons in mind; hoping that what I’d preached ends up coming true (re: Obama and the Credit Crisis). Sometimes I’ll quote myself; which is so pathetic if you think about it. There’s a big difference between re-stating something and quoting yourself having written something before. I’m still offended that a local newspaper won’t publish my editorial submissions like they used to. And the one they recently did express interest in (and haven’t published yet) drive me nuts. When I get the paper, the first thing I do is turn to the back page. When I send a note to a Globe and Mail reporter about another news matter and she responds to me, I’m elated. I often catch myself being more willing to answer my cell when the media calls.
I count all the time.
And a few minutes ago it really hit me; just how wrong this is. I was in tears thinking that my behaviour might somehow be limiting God’s work in our faith community. I know that God works his will in spite of me all the time, but in this matter I really feel like I’m the problem. I have this deep sense that I need to get past this, but how?
I want nothing more than for God’s message through this church to get out there into the world. I want it to get out there in compelling, creative and unimaginable ways. And I don’t want my ego to stand in the way. But I don’t know how to change myself. I can’t. And yet, the feeling of remorse I feel, the sense of the gravity of this matter is weighing heavily on me.
My prayer is that this feeling is the first step to moving on; getting over myself.
I hope so.
